Christmas

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Day after Christmas. I am in a funeral.

As we wait for the coffin to be loaded, I look up to these clouds, hopeful, thinking of how Christmas was for me.

This year it was all about pain, love and forgiveness and how difficult it is to be caught in the middle.

I tried to be brave, I didn’t see it coming. I Tried to hold on.

I tried to help despite the pain. I tried to be a friend because I thought I was ready. At least I tried.

I tried to hold back the tears. Humbled by my misgivings that probably will never be forgotten yet again and reminded by how love doesn’t just get lost in memory, I finally let go.

This year’s Christmas was most peculiar. It wasn’t just about the happiness of being with my family and friends, it was also about the melancholic, yet liberating joy of forgiving myself and others, of reminding myself that in forgiveness I knew I loved and loved well. That though I may be a far cry from a perfect loving person I know that slowly I am understanding what love is, how it affects people, how it crushes and tears you while at the same time teaching you how to love better.

There is still a part of me that wonders of the whatifs should things have worked out, but I know I did my flawed best and I couldn’t have done better at that time. What I know is I can do better should I choose to love again.

Christmas isn’t just about birth amd beginnings; it’s also about death and endings amd how all these and the in-betweens constitute love.

Love.

Merry Christmas.

Nang ako ay Masuwelduhan

Sa Ikatlong buwan ng pagtuturo dumating ang aking unang suweldo. Alam naman ng lahat na hindi kalakihan ang nakukuha ng mga guro pero ok na rin naman para sa isang solong nilalang tulad ko na wala namang dina-date o kung anuman (ang pait!).

Katulad ng aking plinano, pagtanggap ng aking suweldo ay kaagad kong tinawagan ang aking mama upang sabihin na sa pag-uwi ko sa linggo ay lalabas kaming pamilya at ako ang taya. Hindi ko akalaing masarap pala talag sa pakiramdam ang malibre mo ang pamilyang gumabay at sumoporta sa iyo mula noong akoy musmos pa lamang.

Bagama’t sa simpleng fast food ko lamang sila nilibre at bagamat pagkain lamang nang kami’y manood ng sine (astig ng SALT!) ang aking binayaran (puro pagkain ata nagastos ko)  sadyang ako’y natuwa na kahit papaano’y kaya ko ng magbalik sa aking pamilya lalung-lalo na sa aking pamilya. Hindi dahil sa ako’y may utang na loob kung hindi dahil gusto kong maipakita sa kanila na kahit ako’y sumusweldo na’y hindi ko sila makakalimutan bagkos mas mamahalin pa kahit sa simpleng pinansiyal na suporta lamang.

Simpleng mga bagay na sobrang magpasaya.

Salamat sa Panginoon sa mabuting pamilyang kinalakhan ko.