I have come to realize that one of the best ways of getting rid of pain in our hearts is by helping take away pain in others. That way one will see the paradox Mother Theresa found: “…if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
After all the pain I know I am learning how to love even more.
Day after Christmas. I am in a funeral.
As we wait for the coffin to be loaded, I look up to these clouds, hopeful, thinking of how Christmas was for me.
This year it was all about pain, love and forgiveness and how difficult it is to be caught in the middle.
I tried to be brave, I didn’t see it coming. I Tried to hold on.
I tried to help despite the pain. I tried to be a friend because I thought I was ready. At least I tried.
I tried to hold back the tears. Humbled by my misgivings that probably will never be forgotten yet again and reminded by how love doesn’t just get lost in memory, I finally let go.
This year’s Christmas was most peculiar. It wasn’t just about the happiness of being with my family and friends, it was also about the melancholic, yet liberating joy of forgiving myself and others, of reminding myself that in forgiveness I knew I loved and loved well. That though I may be a far cry from a perfect loving person I know that slowly I am understanding what love is, how it affects people, how it crushes and tears you while at the same time teaching you how to love better.
There is still a part of me that wonders of the whatifs should things have worked out, but I know I did my flawed best and I couldn’t have done better at that time. What I know is I can do better should I choose to love again.
Christmas isn’t just about birth amd beginnings; it’s also about death and endings amd how all these and the in-betweens constitute love.
My kids have been exchanging letters with other children in the upper grades. It’s nice to see how letter writing still has that charm that instant messaging doesn’t always have–the absolute need for patience and consequently excitement brought by the mystery of not knowing who you are corresponding with and not knowing when a letter will be coming.
Speaking of letters, I wish I could write my kids one.
Dear (most-of-the-time) adorable kids,
Thank you so much for cheering up T. JM everyday. Thank you for your jokes, mishaps, clumsiness, eureka moments and all the other moments that involve boogers, tears, and whatnot.
You probably don’t see it but T. JM is not ok yet. I’m getting there though so don’t worry because you kids help every single day. Just like what we talk about in our stories, poems, songs and books, we get hurt and scared sometimes even if we don’t want to. Soon enough we will realize that it’s okay to get hurt and scared because these only make us human. And that anyway, people who truly love us will always be there ready to catapult us over and beyond our pains and fears.
So, dear kids, keep playing and smiling. For your family is here to keep you safe and warm. Plus, you have me to share humor with when your pokemon dies, when your dorky diaries book gets lost, when your tooth starts to move, when you want to poop, when you scrape your knee, when a classmate teases you because that classmate likes you and you don’t understand why.
I’ll be here for you because I know what it feels to be scared and hurt.
With warmth and love,